Forgiveness - everyone says to do it, yet at times for a lot of us, it is one of the hardest things to do when we are hurt. We see and hear things like forgive, but don't forget, or let go and forgive but it is easier said than done. I have even created a few quotes on forgiveness because it is essential to our healing and freedom. Today I will help you even further on your journey to forgiveness by providing you with tools and a system to help you. I know I have talked a bit about ways to forgive in my previous blogs for those who have read them, but here is further guidance to move you forward on your path to forgiveness.
For a long time while I was growing up, I was one of those people who said, I will forgive, but I will never forget. The funny thing is it meant that I was still holding on to what that person had done to me, instead of forgiving them. I think it was easier to think that I had forgiven them than actually truly forgiving them. I struggled for the longest time with the idea of forgiveness and in turn, decided to close off my heart. I even started becoming bitter, which, if you knew me as a child, I was far from that then. It was only until I realized how much pain I was causing myself by closing my heart off and never letting anyone truly know me did I finally understand the need to forgive and move on, in order to free myself from the suffering I had put myself in. It was either be brave enough to work on forgiveness and to believe there are people who will truly love me for me or decide to close my heart off whilst being bitter and alone. I decided to be brave and move towards my own healing and forgiveness in order to allow love back into my heart, which has truly been a blessing in disguise. It has been an amazing journey ever since, of which I am still on today and I am grateful for. My past no longer haunts me, and every day my heart is opening more and more, as well as becoming lighter. Each day I am feeling safer to take a brick down from the wall I built up, and I want to help you do just that. The first thing you must realise is that, it is a journey, and you are not expected to forgive overnight.Â
Before I get started, here are some benefits when you are in a state of forgiveness.Â
It is one of the highest vibrations to be in, and if you want to know more about increasing your vibration, click here.
It is incredibly healing.It helps you feel lighter.I
t allows you to be fuelled by love and forgiveness rather than revenge.
It can help with your health.
It can also help with mainly unblocking your heart chakra but other chakras as well - if you would like to know more about unblocking your chakras click here.It also helps you to attract more into your life, such as love, friendship and relationships. It even helps you with creating your dreams because you are no longer in a lower vibrational frequency of resenting others or wanting to get revenge.Â
I think you get the idea…The reason I am stating all the benefits of forgiveness is to show you how much you are getting out of it. A lot of the time, we focus on the person that has hurt us, and how they don't deserve to be forgiven. We can also be more focused on trying to show them we’re doing well as it is easier than focusing on forgiving them. This might be gratifying for a brief period of time, but it won't help how we feel internally in the long run. Focus on you and your healing, and others will eventually see how well you're doing anyway. I know this is easier said than done but this is your own journey and it is up to you how you get there in the end. Here are steps to help you on that journey.
Steps to letting go and forgiving:
1. Read what I have said above carefully because that is really the first step - realising how much it can do for you as well as recognising how much holding on to all the resentment and pain is causing you.Â
2. Realise that you deserve more, and you are worthy of a lot more than to allow others to have that power over you. Whether you realise it or not, you are giving them more power over you when you don’t forgive them, and if you want to know a bit about how to stop giving your power away, click here.Â
3. Take one step at a time, it’s not a sprint
It is not about forcing forgiveness; it is a process. You can take as long as you want to, maybe you do one thing one month, and then the next month you're ready for something else. I know how hard it can be, so I don't want you to become overwhelmed by the process or struggle or try to force it. Come from a place of wanting to move on and genuinely wanting to do it. Â
4. Acknowledge the following:
Your pain and suffering.Â
Who hurt you and why you feel hurt by them.Â
How any given situation has affected you.Your feelings around any situation that occurred with that person.
A lot of people, including myself, in the past have denied, ignored and supressed their feelings, as it is easier to pretend you are okay in order to avoid your problems. It can also be scary and painful to acknowledge them, but as I said previously, take a step at a time. Â
5. Understand and become aware of where you are on the journey to forgiveness.Â
This is important because it gives you an idea about whether you can truly forgive the person who has caused you pain or whether you are not ready to yet. This part is completely up to you; it is your own decision whether you can or not, no one else's. There will be a point where you are ready to, but it may take time, like I said do not force it, you will eventually get there. I thought I had forgiven people for certain things in the past, but later I realised that I had just put a bandage over the wound instead of actually healing it, which is why it is so important not to do force things. Become aware of what stage you’re at and be able to accept where you are on the journey.Â
6. Focus on healing – when you focus on healing rather than forgiveness.
 This can actually lead you to forgiveness naturally. I found this to be very true when it came to my own healing; the more I healed the more willing and open I was to start forgiving. This can be done through becoming aware of your belief systems and becoming aware of the part of yourself that has either been unnoticed or abandoned and learning how to change them. Once you become aware of why someone hurt you and how that made you feel and why it made you feel that way, such as making you feel powerless or worthless, you can then work on overcoming these beliefs and how you feel about yourself. You will then find it comes more naturally to forgive. Ask yourself what would be the worst thing about forgiving yourself or that person? What would happen if you did?
7. Validate parts of yourself or even the feelings you have rejected or abandoned in the past.
I show you how to this in my mirroring blog, which is so needed when it comes to healing, but it can help you understand things from a different perspective. Click here if you’re interested.
Validate how you feel, tell your feelings you understand why they are feeling that way and that it is okay; you are wiser now and you know how to protect yourself without closing your heart off. This is a good place to start.
Disclaimer: The next three steps may trigger you in some way and it may be better not to look at them until you feel ready to move on to the next phase on your forgiveness journey. If you are not at that stage yet and this is too hard to do, do not attempt them, especially if you have been abused in any way. This is only for those who have done some healing already or feel that they are ready to take the next steps. If you have experienced any incident or situation recently, that has been extremely traumatic for you, I would not recommend doing this yet. These are simply suggestions and it is completely up to you and your choice to take these on board or not.Â
8. For a moment see things from the other person’s point of view. This can be hard to do, so if you’re not ready to do this, do not force yourself to. Â
Look at how they view the world - how they see things.
Look at what they have gone through or are going through.
What triggers do they have that cause them to treat you in the way they did? For example, while growing up someone may have always criticized you and as a result you felt hurt causing a lack of self-worth and thus developing low self-esteem. The reason why they did that to you could be that they long for what you have or that is exactly how they feel about themselves.
Once you view things and ask yourself why certain people acted in a certain manner towards you, it might help to humanize them a bit and actually show you they aren't as different as you or that even though they made you suffer, that they are actually suffering too. The stage of having compassion and empathy for a person who has hurt you is usually one of the finally steps to truly forgiving someone, but this will only come after healing and when you're ready and only when you're ready to do so.
9. Look at what you have learned from them and how it has served you in your life today?
When you’re ready, look at how those experiences benefited you in a positive way. How did they help you? I know I wouldn't be where I am today, nor have started this blog without all I have gone through and experienced. I am also able to have gratitude now for what I have gone through because I wouldn't be here helping you if I didn't, but this again comes in time and you will get there. If you can't be grateful or think of anything positive that you have learnt from them or the circumstances, they put you through, then you aren't ready for this step.
10. Write a letter to yourself or someone who has hurt you.Â
It is important to state how and why they hurt you. If you need to cry or yell, do it, it's vital to release any pent-up emotions that you have been holding on to as it could affect not only your physical health but your mental health as well.
State what you have learned from the experience or person as well as how they may have served you in your life, for example, did they make you stronger, more patient, etc.
Try looking at things from their perspective and find a reason to forgive them. If you're not ready for that try just writing at the end, 'I forgive you'. Forgiving can be hard, and if you can't do it after writing the letter, it is alright. At least you were able to express yourself and give yourself the closure you may have always needed.
After you write the letter, do anything you please with it, tear it up, put it in a locked box, throw it away or give it to the person - only if you want to – it's up to you.Â
You can also do this in a visualization; the only difference is you close your eyes, imagine them in front of you and express everything to them that I have mentioned above. Again, it is up to you whether you say ‘I forgive you’ at the end of this visualisation. The one thing to notice once you have said everything you need to express is to see if the person disappears from in front of you or not; if they don't, this could be because there is still something that you are supposed to be learning from them or there are still some aspects of the situation that need to be healed. – Both techniques are just as powerful but visualising the person can be a little more effective when it comes to releasing more suppressed emotions; however, it can also be quite intense, it just depends on what works for you and what you prefer.
I know some of these steps are not easy, they weren’t easy for me at first either, but as time goes on, they will be. If you take anything away from this blog post, remember this - that forgiveness is a journey. Do not feel bad for not being at a certain stage, rather focus on what you can do to heal within yourself and forgiveness will come. It is also important to realise, even though I have talked a lot about forgiving other people, that is it just as important to forgive yourself, maybe even more so. A lot of the time it is easy to develop resentment or blame yourself for things you have done in the past, in addition to holding on to regrets of past mistakes and rejecting yourself for those mistakes, instead of continuing on that journey. So, focus on healing and forgiving yourself with the same steps as above, especially when it comes to working on your beliefs.
Lastly, I just want to mention that these steps are only a suggestion of how to improve your life and help you let go; it is completely up to you if you do them, but I believe if you are reading this that you are open to do so. Believe you have it in you to forgive and you will in the end. Forgiveness is not a fast process, so just be kind to yourself. As long as you are willing to go on a journey towards forgiveness you are already on the right path.
Now I hope these tips help. If you want more, make sure to check out my other blog posts.
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PS: I am genuinely grateful for every single one of you reading this and am sending unconditional love your way!
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