So, it’s been a while, a long while actually, since I posted here but I am back, and I am staying! I will be posting at least once a month so make sure you are subscribed!
For those of you who have already subscribed, you are probably wondering where I have been! Well, long story short, I allowed past trauma, doubts and the pressure of saying the right thing get to me.
The truth is I have been so busy allowing what other people think about what I write affect me, and thus, not truly allowing my truth to be heard, resulting in caring too much about what people think of me. The reason for this is because, a lot of what I write is about what I have learnt and based on my story and my experiences, which can sometimes make me feel more vulnerable than I would like, especially to judgment. I did think I was past all of that, if I am being honest, I thought I had turned the page but there was still trauma that I didn’t realize I hadn’t dealt with that came to the surface once everything started happening in 2020. The responsibility and pressure got to me. It’s always been so easy to help people with my words even when I am dealing with a lot of things myself. This time however, with so much chaos, so many struggling, so many suffering, so many opinions, I didn’t even know where to start. At some point, I didn’t even know what to say to myself. To top it all off my spiritual team and the universe decided to play a game with me by bringing up all of the insecurities that I hadn’t dealt with yet in order to deal with them and move forward successfully on a better foundation. As my editor was too busy to edit my work, I decided to take a break. If I am being honest, at one point I wasn’t sure how I was going to continue because let’s just say relying on people to help hasn’t always been one of my strong suits. Nevertheless, I took a break to reevaluate my life because everything seemed to be up in the air and I was trying to juggle it all until I could figure it out.
It felt wrong to stop writing and posting on here, every core of my being was telling me not to give up. The issue was that it started feeling more like a burden and less enjoyable which, was surprising because it was one of the most centering and meditative things for me to do. However, as a result of how I was feeling, I became severely blocked. Stopping felt wrong but so did continuing, I realized I needed a break to work through it all. To work through my doubts, my fears, my trauma, to make writing enjoyable again and then eventually start fresh, I just wasn’t expecting to take as long as I did.
I don’t think the responsibility and pressure would have mattered as much, if I hadn’t had these two following issues I was dealing with:
1. Limiting beliefs and trauma surrounding my capability
2. Limiting beliefs and trauma surrounding speaking my truth.
I am hoping that writing about these two areas in my life, I can also help and give you some new perspectives in your own life.
Now the first issue probably needs a whole blog on its own but to summarize, I allowed the noise and doubts about my ability from other people, especially from the people who taught me in the past to fester in my mind for years. I have a rare eye condition called Aniridia that at the time not many understood or knew about, many except for a handful who taught me saw it more as a learning disability rather than what it was, an eye condition. An eye condition, which has to do more with the development of the eye and how well I can see rather than my intelligence or the work I could produce. No matter how much of a strong kid I was growing up and that there were teachers that could see beyond my condition and that saw more of my potential, I still allowed others to weasel their way into my mind. During the last few years in school, I had more doubts and questions about my work than ever before. The most important years in school became a nightmare and I had to do everything in my power to get the grades I needed to move forward. I think at the time the doubts were frustrating, but I was too busy trying to prove them all wrong and working to get out of school altogether to deal or care about it. The problem a lot of the time was teachers disbelieving my ability and capability, that something I had written was actually my work, or doubting that I could even achieve certain levels in school, which ended up staying with me for years.
I honestly thought I was past it once I successfully finished my psychology degree, I felt I finally proved them all wrong and proved something to myself. The issues were, by trying to prove anything at all to anyone even myself meant there were still doubts there without even realizing it. Also, I realized that the constant questioning over the years about my ability, became a toll when I started this blog and my editor who was there to help me, started highlighting the issues in my writing and critiquing my work. As helpful as it was, it triggered me to another level and it brought up all the seeds of doubt from the past. Even reading back my work sometimes caused the same response before editing it. I allowed the doubts about my ability to take so much control that I didn’t think I would be able to continue to write at all.
The truth that I realized after taking time to heal was that it wasn’t anything to do with my ability or intelligence, but what tools and techniques I could use to help me improve my writing. I realized due to my eye movements, I sometimes missed or skipped over words while reading over my work, which resulted in things sometimes not making sense. I realized reading over my work wasn’t always my strong suit, which has also been an issue that I have been dealing with for years. This resulted in always needing help from others to look over my work.
However, during this break my mission was to find something that worked for me that could become a solution to my problem. Although I feel more confident with someone still looking over my work, the massive difference and solution I found was to simply be listening to the words I was writing. Once I did this it completely transformed the quality of what I was writing and what I wrote needed 85% less editing. When I started listening to my writing, it made a world of difference. It made me see that it wasn’t how much of a capable writer I was – it was learning to work with my eyes and work with my strengths to see what worked best for me, to make the best piece of writing that I could be proud of. I know that if I had more people who saw past what they thought of me and actually helped me to achieve things instead of doubting me; I probably would be further along than I am now. However, I am grateful for all the experiences I have had to learn and grow in order to become a better writer and an even better version of myself. The last year has truly given me the time to believe in myself without the noise of anyone’s opinions, as well as learning the difference between people critiquing me to be better and people just simply judging me.
No one has limits unless they put them there and anything is possible if you believe that. I was finally able to break free and look beyond the limits I decided to put on myself and that I allowed others to put on me. This has enabled me to relearn and realize that struggles and weaknesses do not make me incapable, but rather give me an opportunity to find a better way of doing something and find solutions to problems that come along the way, rather than letting them stop me from moving forward. I sometimes need to work twice as hard compared to most people to get things to the quality I want - and now and again that can be a struggle - the reward, however, is still being able to do it and achieve what I desire.
I do want to note though, that I did get a great response when I started this blog, which I am ultimately grateful for. The issue was that I had just started this venture on rocky ground, and that I needed to see what all of you were seeing. It might have taken a while, but the journey was worth it because it finally brought me back to this page and working again to help you. The worst part of this break was not being able to help as much as I wished I could have, but it is like the saying goes you need to help yourself before truly helping anyone else. Now I am ready to truly be there for you guys long term, writing is one of my gifts and I am finally ready to commit to sharing it with you once again. The hold of the past is no longer there because I decided that the only opinion that mattered was truly my own and realizing I wouldn’t be here writing if I wasn’t meant to, trusting in myself and my spiritual team to help me through things that come my way.
The second point was about speaking my truth, now this was an issue I didn’t know I was still dealing with either, but I was. I grew up in an environment where if I spoke my truth I could be punished, which stuck with me for years, even though I learnt to stick up for myself and learnt to speak my mind. I realized that the vulnerability I felt doing so basically scared me a lot. Saying what I thought and having possible consequences for doing so, seemed too much to bear. However, what I realized was that I had become too attached to my writing and it seemed impossible to identify where my writing started and I stopped. I had to make a distinction: I am not my writing; my writing is what I believe in and that might be a part of me, but it is not all of who I am because I am so much more.
I also realized that limiting myself by not speaking or in this case writing my truth, I am doing the world an injustice and thus myself and that it isn’t just me expressing my truth but that I am a vessel for my spiritual team to not only be heard by me but by many. Realizing that my mission is to help, heal and speak my truth became more important than the fear of punishment or judgment. This time has also given me time to work with my fear and not against it.
What I learnt by having this fear was to actually watch what I say, to be thoughtful and careful with how I say things and how to be diplomatic in certain situations. The funny thing is without realizing this it probably made me a better writer, the only issue was figuring out how to do that without it stopping me from writing. The importance and urge to speak my truth has just become more powerful than the fear. I have also been able to move past my fear by realizing that I am not alone while writing and that I have my whole spiritual team helping me. I also realized that whenever fear would appear or resurface, I could always work with it as I realized that maybe it wasn’t fear at all but a message to alter how I say something or speak about something.
Now, I usually leave many tips in my blog posts, but today it’s more about reading over what I have written and seeing if you too are struggling with any of the things I have mentioned - helping you to see areas that maybe you haven’t been dealing with in your life. I will be back soon with some tips but for now, I want you to think about what is stopping you from achieving things in your life.
Comment below about anything you would like me to write about, I am here to help, and I can only do that with your help as well. I don’t always know exactly what you want to read about or what you are struggling with. Most of the time I can only write about things that I think might help, so please tell me what you would like to know about.
I hope you continue this journey with me!
Your are not alone!
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Question of the day: What is stopping you from achieving things in your life?
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PS: I am genuinely grateful for every single one of you reading this and am sending unconditional love your way!
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